A life to cherish, celebrate and learn!
April 9th, 2020 - A call from Pushpa, my father's caretaker at 3 AM India time, would be the most dreaded call I have always hoped that I would not receive. There were no words, just the cries, said it all. He was no more! The timing could not have been worse. The entire world is in a lock down for Covid pandemic. Travelling 8000 miles is just not possible, with no flights and all the travel restrictions.
Just a few hours earlier when I talked to my dad, he sounded absolutely fine. He mentioned he was in pain because of the last hospital stay. Told not to worry about him and asked me to be safe, take care of the kids and wife. As always, he would put others well being above his pain and sufferings. Later I learned that after my call he had his usual dinner and went to sleep. Since he couldn't sleep he played "Thayam" with the caretaker. Slept until 12AM, went to the bathroom, slept until 3AM, woke up unable to breath. Screamed for Pushpa she found that he was having a fever and gave him medicine and helping to breathe. Palanivel, a selfless soul and the family friend taking care of parents for over a decade was informed and was in the door steps in 10 minutes. Father would ask why Mr Palanivel had to make a trip at this untimely hour and that he is going to be ok. He refuses to go the hospital, but just a little later agrees to go because he cannot take the abdominal pain. He was conscious and alert when the ambulance arrives and when they reach the hospital ten minutes later, he is barely breathing. The hospital declares him dead!
He never shared a lot about his childhood, but just in bits and pieces. He lost his mother when he was very young (8 years or less). He would go to his brothers home for a meal and sisters home for another. He finished his PUC and then asked to join military by his father, who also served in military. He did not like to join military and instead joined the paper mill in Erode at an age of 20. He worked there till he was 40 and then went on a few abroad assignments before retiring when he was just 47. He tried a few businesses unsuccessfully and eventually stopped working.
My very early childhood dont have a lot of great memories about him. He would be at work - a technician in paper mill working in shifts - come home to rest and go out to meet his friends. But he would be very approachable and funny. As years passed, when he decided to quit his job for a brighter future outside India, we were scared as that would be the first time that we will be away from him. He promised that he will take us with him once he is settled. The year was 1983 and the country that welcomed him was Iraq. As promised, he took us along after six months, my mother, my younger brother and I. I was in my 10th grade considered the first important milestone in a child's education. I did not go to school for the six months and no schools in Iraq would take us in. We returned less than six months later as his contract would not be extended. I went back to my old school to finish my 10th exams and did ok. This is the time I remember we started growing closer. I had a long school vacation, he was looking for a job. We would walk outside in the evenings for his evening smokes, I was getting taller pretending to be a grown up. He would share many things about life, finances and how much money we had before we would go broke etc. But he would always insist that I should study well to have a better future. In a couple of months, he got his next assignment in Tanzania, this one for two years and family cannot accompany him. It was also the most important two years for my schooling, so we stayed back. On the day he had to leave, I cried so hard in front of him, which usually has never happened, bothered him a lot. That is also the first time I saw tears in him. Time went on, the next two years were busy with schools and he returned when I had completed my 12th grade and waiting for results.
He came back from his assignment just in time to help to get to college. Even though I scored well in my 12th grade exams, I faired poorly in the entrance exams. That put a dent on my dream schools. I was assigned to Karunya institute in Coimbatore. When we visited the college for the 1st day, there wasnt even a stone that was laid for a building. I pleaded with my father to give me one year to stay at home and try again the next year. He said, he would try his best to get me to a different college. He got into action pulled the strings and finally got me into IRTT, where I would graduate in computer science and go onto have the best life imaginable in USA. It was his perseverance and focus that shaped my future!
The four years when I was in college, he spent 3 years in Malaysia. I would visit a couple of times, my mother and brother stayed with him longer. He would finally come back in 1989 and that would be the last assignment. We built a home in Kulam, in the outskirts of Erode, where we never lived. By my mothers insistence, we bought a home in Periyar nagar where my parents and brother lived till their end.
My younger brother, who had a heart disease, situs inversus, from birth was a wonderkid according to doctors. He wouldnt make it past a few months and then 4 years and finally passed away when he was 18. My parents would give him all the freedom, never treated him like a sick child and let him grow up and do normal things. He would be sick every couple of years we would take him to the best hospitals in Chennai and get him well. The last time he got sick in 1991, we decided to keep him in Erode. He passed away with all of us surrounding him on November 16, 1991 at a young age of 18. It broke us to the core as a family. We were never the same. It was an inflection point in my life and I started to question everything from God to meaning of life and became a different person for the rest of my life. My mother went into a cycle of self-pity and depression, my father was broke inside.
I took them with me to Chennai after the death and then asked them to move with me to chennai in 1992. This is the time I was settling in jobs and changing my jobs frequently. This was also the time I fell in love with my would-be wife Selvi. My parents came to know about it and was shocked. This was a time in India, where love marriages are not accepted in India and marrying someone from a different caste was still not prevalent. A few months later I took a job in Pune and my parents moved back to Erode. I moved back to Chennai in 1994 and started travelling to UK for assignments. This was also the time I had more money than I needed. My father had to undergo a surgery for a narrowed blood vessel that caused him a lot of pain in the legs. We did his surgery in Chennai and he recovered well to go back to Erode. During this time, I would visit Erode every week. My father was acting as the intermediary between mom and I to get her to accept for marrying Selvi. He would ask me to be patient, which went on for more than a year.
I moved to US in 1995 and settled there. In 1997, my mother reluctantly agreed to our wedding in Erode to finally announce us as a couple. In 1998, my parents came to help with Deepika and then in 1999 and then in 2002 for Ashwin. This years between 1995 and 2009 were the best years for my parents. They slowly got over my brothers memories and indulged themselves in religious and spiritual activities, formed new friends and travelled for pilgrimage.
Parents met with an accident in 2009, that will change all of us lives for ever, in ways we couldn't have imagined. My father was injured in the accident, but seeing my father in blood shot up the blood pressure for my mother and after admitting him in the nearby hospital my mom had a stroke resulted in bleeding in the brain. She went into a coma and was paralysed for the next 7 1/2 years until she passed away in 2017. I rushed to Erode following the accident and saw my dad had recovered and my mother was in a coma. Took them to coimbatore, where she would be in coma for the 3 weeks. Stayed for a month and returned to US leaving them in the custody of Venkatesan one of relatives, who helped in the most needful time. I returned again a couple of months later and arranged for physical therapy at home.
My dad is now becoming normal and had his close friend Mr. Palanivel, who is a selfless soul, help him. Mr. Palanivel ran the day to day operations for the next 10 years and made sure every need of my parents was attended to. He was there every step of the way from getting groceries, to medicines to taking them to doctors and above all managing the care takers. Without him, my parents would have gone a long time ago and I would not have the life that I had. He acted as their son in every way including doing the last rites for my father when I could not go when he passed away.
I moved back to Bangalore in 2010, to be with the parents during the tough phase of their life. I brought my mom to Manipal Hospital to treat her so that she can walk again. That did not work and they returned to Erode after 2 weeks. My father came to our apartment in Bangalore just for a day during that period. During this time, my children, 12 and 7 at that time, were finding it difficult to adjust to the new environment, school and settings. Seeing Deepika, my father strongly said I should go back to the US and that I should not make my children suffer. He emphatically said that they will not leave Erode to come live with us in Bangalore and hence it doesnt matter whether I lived in US or Bangalore. My father asked Mr. Palanivel to assure me that he is there to take of my parents and convinced me that I should go back. I gave in and moved back to US a year later. I would travel back every 6 months to visit them, while Palanivel and my father were holding the fort. During my visit in 2017 March, my mother passed away. Even though I was not next to her, I rushed back from my treatment in Kerala in a few hours to take care of the last rites. I compelled my father to come live with me in US. He refused and said he need some time. I went back in June to bring him to US. Within a month he wanted to go back to his den. I took him back in September to his comfort zone.
December 2019, was the last time I would see him physically alive and well. He spent a few days with the entire family during this short visit. He was prepared for his departure, he had plans on what should be done when. He must have come to terms that his only son may not be there with the on-going pandemic with Covid.
I have made 17 trips from 2009 and 2020 and spent many months on and off. But I never had imagined that there would be a scenario that I will not be paying last respects and perform my only obligation for him as his only child!
As someone who likes to live without regrets, this would be a regret that I would have to carry for the rest of my life!
Just a few hours earlier when I talked to my dad, he sounded absolutely fine. He mentioned he was in pain because of the last hospital stay. Told not to worry about him and asked me to be safe, take care of the kids and wife. As always, he would put others well being above his pain and sufferings. Later I learned that after my call he had his usual dinner and went to sleep. Since he couldn't sleep he played "Thayam" with the caretaker. Slept until 12AM, went to the bathroom, slept until 3AM, woke up unable to breath. Screamed for Pushpa she found that he was having a fever and gave him medicine and helping to breathe. Palanivel, a selfless soul and the family friend taking care of parents for over a decade was informed and was in the door steps in 10 minutes. Father would ask why Mr Palanivel had to make a trip at this untimely hour and that he is going to be ok. He refuses to go the hospital, but just a little later agrees to go because he cannot take the abdominal pain. He was conscious and alert when the ambulance arrives and when they reach the hospital ten minutes later, he is barely breathing. The hospital declares him dead!
He never shared a lot about his childhood, but just in bits and pieces. He lost his mother when he was very young (8 years or less). He would go to his brothers home for a meal and sisters home for another. He finished his PUC and then asked to join military by his father, who also served in military. He did not like to join military and instead joined the paper mill in Erode at an age of 20. He worked there till he was 40 and then went on a few abroad assignments before retiring when he was just 47. He tried a few businesses unsuccessfully and eventually stopped working.
My very early childhood dont have a lot of great memories about him. He would be at work - a technician in paper mill working in shifts - come home to rest and go out to meet his friends. But he would be very approachable and funny. As years passed, when he decided to quit his job for a brighter future outside India, we were scared as that would be the first time that we will be away from him. He promised that he will take us with him once he is settled. The year was 1983 and the country that welcomed him was Iraq. As promised, he took us along after six months, my mother, my younger brother and I. I was in my 10th grade considered the first important milestone in a child's education. I did not go to school for the six months and no schools in Iraq would take us in. We returned less than six months later as his contract would not be extended. I went back to my old school to finish my 10th exams and did ok. This is the time I remember we started growing closer. I had a long school vacation, he was looking for a job. We would walk outside in the evenings for his evening smokes, I was getting taller pretending to be a grown up. He would share many things about life, finances and how much money we had before we would go broke etc. But he would always insist that I should study well to have a better future. In a couple of months, he got his next assignment in Tanzania, this one for two years and family cannot accompany him. It was also the most important two years for my schooling, so we stayed back. On the day he had to leave, I cried so hard in front of him, which usually has never happened, bothered him a lot. That is also the first time I saw tears in him. Time went on, the next two years were busy with schools and he returned when I had completed my 12th grade and waiting for results.
He came back from his assignment just in time to help to get to college. Even though I scored well in my 12th grade exams, I faired poorly in the entrance exams. That put a dent on my dream schools. I was assigned to Karunya institute in Coimbatore. When we visited the college for the 1st day, there wasnt even a stone that was laid for a building. I pleaded with my father to give me one year to stay at home and try again the next year. He said, he would try his best to get me to a different college. He got into action pulled the strings and finally got me into IRTT, where I would graduate in computer science and go onto have the best life imaginable in USA. It was his perseverance and focus that shaped my future!
The four years when I was in college, he spent 3 years in Malaysia. I would visit a couple of times, my mother and brother stayed with him longer. He would finally come back in 1989 and that would be the last assignment. We built a home in Kulam, in the outskirts of Erode, where we never lived. By my mothers insistence, we bought a home in Periyar nagar where my parents and brother lived till their end.
My younger brother, who had a heart disease, situs inversus, from birth was a wonderkid according to doctors. He wouldnt make it past a few months and then 4 years and finally passed away when he was 18. My parents would give him all the freedom, never treated him like a sick child and let him grow up and do normal things. He would be sick every couple of years we would take him to the best hospitals in Chennai and get him well. The last time he got sick in 1991, we decided to keep him in Erode. He passed away with all of us surrounding him on November 16, 1991 at a young age of 18. It broke us to the core as a family. We were never the same. It was an inflection point in my life and I started to question everything from God to meaning of life and became a different person for the rest of my life. My mother went into a cycle of self-pity and depression, my father was broke inside.
I took them with me to Chennai after the death and then asked them to move with me to chennai in 1992. This is the time I was settling in jobs and changing my jobs frequently. This was also the time I fell in love with my would-be wife Selvi. My parents came to know about it and was shocked. This was a time in India, where love marriages are not accepted in India and marrying someone from a different caste was still not prevalent. A few months later I took a job in Pune and my parents moved back to Erode. I moved back to Chennai in 1994 and started travelling to UK for assignments. This was also the time I had more money than I needed. My father had to undergo a surgery for a narrowed blood vessel that caused him a lot of pain in the legs. We did his surgery in Chennai and he recovered well to go back to Erode. During this time, I would visit Erode every week. My father was acting as the intermediary between mom and I to get her to accept for marrying Selvi. He would ask me to be patient, which went on for more than a year.
I moved to US in 1995 and settled there. In 1997, my mother reluctantly agreed to our wedding in Erode to finally announce us as a couple. In 1998, my parents came to help with Deepika and then in 1999 and then in 2002 for Ashwin. This years between 1995 and 2009 were the best years for my parents. They slowly got over my brothers memories and indulged themselves in religious and spiritual activities, formed new friends and travelled for pilgrimage.
Parents met with an accident in 2009, that will change all of us lives for ever, in ways we couldn't have imagined. My father was injured in the accident, but seeing my father in blood shot up the blood pressure for my mother and after admitting him in the nearby hospital my mom had a stroke resulted in bleeding in the brain. She went into a coma and was paralysed for the next 7 1/2 years until she passed away in 2017. I rushed to Erode following the accident and saw my dad had recovered and my mother was in a coma. Took them to coimbatore, where she would be in coma for the 3 weeks. Stayed for a month and returned to US leaving them in the custody of Venkatesan one of relatives, who helped in the most needful time. I returned again a couple of months later and arranged for physical therapy at home.
My dad is now becoming normal and had his close friend Mr. Palanivel, who is a selfless soul, help him. Mr. Palanivel ran the day to day operations for the next 10 years and made sure every need of my parents was attended to. He was there every step of the way from getting groceries, to medicines to taking them to doctors and above all managing the care takers. Without him, my parents would have gone a long time ago and I would not have the life that I had. He acted as their son in every way including doing the last rites for my father when I could not go when he passed away.
I moved back to Bangalore in 2010, to be with the parents during the tough phase of their life. I brought my mom to Manipal Hospital to treat her so that she can walk again. That did not work and they returned to Erode after 2 weeks. My father came to our apartment in Bangalore just for a day during that period. During this time, my children, 12 and 7 at that time, were finding it difficult to adjust to the new environment, school and settings. Seeing Deepika, my father strongly said I should go back to the US and that I should not make my children suffer. He emphatically said that they will not leave Erode to come live with us in Bangalore and hence it doesnt matter whether I lived in US or Bangalore. My father asked Mr. Palanivel to assure me that he is there to take of my parents and convinced me that I should go back. I gave in and moved back to US a year later. I would travel back every 6 months to visit them, while Palanivel and my father were holding the fort. During my visit in 2017 March, my mother passed away. Even though I was not next to her, I rushed back from my treatment in Kerala in a few hours to take care of the last rites. I compelled my father to come live with me in US. He refused and said he need some time. I went back in June to bring him to US. Within a month he wanted to go back to his den. I took him back in September to his comfort zone.
December 2019, was the last time I would see him physically alive and well. He spent a few days with the entire family during this short visit. He was prepared for his departure, he had plans on what should be done when. He must have come to terms that his only son may not be there with the on-going pandemic with Covid.
I have made 17 trips from 2009 and 2020 and spent many months on and off. But I never had imagined that there would be a scenario that I will not be paying last respects and perform my only obligation for him as his only child!
As someone who likes to live without regrets, this would be a regret that I would have to carry for the rest of my life!
posted by Senthil Manian at 8:58 AM
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